Анекдоты
Relatives
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same
time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Who does what
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I
can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: “HEBREWS”
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00
AM.”
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what
you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!”
Sign of the Times
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!”
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the rigger and says,
“Ask him again where my damn money is!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”
The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”
The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell… ..that you don’t have the guts to pull the
trigger.”
Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the
magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of
the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on
for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
Duck
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, “Got any duck feed?”
The clerk tells him, “No, we don’t have a market for it so we don’t carry it.”
The duck says, “Okay,” and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, “Got any duck feed?” Again the clerk says no and
the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, “Got any duck feed?”
The clerk says, “I’ve told you twice, we don’t have duck feed, we’ve never had duck feed and we never will have
duck feed. If you ask me again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.”
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?”
“No.”
“Got any duck feed?”
Gone for Two Weeks
A businessman walked into a bank in San Francisco and asked for the loan officer. He told the officer that he is
going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer explained that the bank needed some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman handed
over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out, and the bank
agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. A bank employee drove the Rolls into the bank’s underground
garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 with interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The businessman replied, “Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for only 15 bucks?”
Chemistry Class
One day, the chemistry teacher asked his students, “What is the chemical formula for water?”
Silly Suzie immediately raised her hand.
“Yes, Suzie, what’s the answer?”, the teacher asked.
Suzie answered proudly, “The chemical formula for water is ‘HIJKLMNO’!”
Her teacher looked perplexed.
He asked, “What are you talking about?”
Suzie replied, “Yesterday you said the formula for water is H to O!”
A Big Decision
A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, ‘Daddy, I’d like to get married.’
His father replied hesitantly, ‘Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?’
‘Yes,’ answered the boy. ‘I want to marry Grandma.’
‘Now, wait a minute,’ said his father. ‘You don’t think I’d let you get married with my mother, do you?’
‘Why not?’ the boy asked. ‘You married mine.’
Just One Copy
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a
piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder. “I just need one copy.”
100 penguins
A truck driver was driving 100 penguins to the New York Zoo when his truck broke down on the freeway. The driver got out of the cab and was looking at the engine when a second truck driver stopped in front of him and asked if he needed any help.
The penguins’ driver explained that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asked if the other man would take the
penguins there. He agreed.
Some hours later, the second truck driver drove past the first one, who was still waiting on the freeway for help
to come. The penguins, however, were still on the truck!
“I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo,” shouted the first driver.
The second replied, “I did, but I had some money left, so we’re going to the cinema now.”
A Wife’s Duty
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He told her, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do
the following , your husband will surely die…Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make
sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for
him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will
only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health
completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
She replied, “You’re going to die”!
Return my horse!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of
picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the
ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I
dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse
had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
Supermarket Encounter
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look
just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said. “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A Science Lecture
A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his chauffeur offered an idea.
“Hey, boss, I’ve heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.”
“Sounds great,” the scientist said.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur’s hat and settled into the back row. The
chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
“Yes,” said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question.
The chauffeur was panic stricken for a moment but quickly recovered.
“That’s an easy one,” he replied. “In fact, it’s so easy, I’m going to let my chauffeur answer it!”
Some Good Advice
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store,
do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”
“Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50.
A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: “$45 due for consultation”.
